i've had meetings with mad ppl about this project. about this song. telling me that they really feel the emotion. i got demoitis tbh. i dont even know if we're looking at the same thing anymore. at this point im good. so far removed from the original energy that created this song and video. probably the darkest place ive ever been. it's crazy cause im not even acting in this. i mean, i'm acting in a sense but when i look at myself in this video i can see the moments. every single body movement and facial expression, walking through the tunnnel, the relief at the end. i know exactly what was on my mind during all these instances. it's an insane feeling that i've never had. i used to see old videos that i worked on though. i guess i saw it similarly but from the opposite side of it. like, i saw myself acting and my face showed how uncomfortable i was. so that's all i see. felt like a fake. but not this time. this shit is me. and i wanna break down what was going on just in case i forget one day.
august 4th 2017 i parked my whip at ben and xavis spot. same shit i do damn near every day in LA. i linked up with the squad at canal club for a homie's bday. linked up with xavi at the perch: same place, different name. real ones know.
now, let me pause the story by mentioning that this was a friday night. earlier that day i wrote like three songs with my homie weber. recorded a podcast where i interviewed tracy about her charlottesville vice news tonight episode ANDDDDD i had a great fuckin day in general. cloud 9 shit. played miniature golf and smoked the homies, caught some frames in Ktown at a bowling alley for another friend's bday and then zooted over to Venice to link with squad. it was a good day. i was productive and did a lot.
and another side note, i wasnt having a lot of productive days at this point. my whole life switched up and i was in a DARK place for the summer. like fucked up trying to smile and play it cool but my vibe was so off. im broke as fuck from moving back to LA (which was supposed to be a temporary quick thing). i left my label after three torturous years with bullshit on bullshit and my ex all over social media acting like life is GOOOOOOD. still hitting me up on her time. yo, shit all just made me even more like, wtf is going on. i just spent the whole summer to trying to bounce back and here i am like, just trying to float.
so, my point is that that particular friday was kind of like the climax of all this drama that i wasnt used to. and i was working on it and feeling like things were about to be looking up...or so i thought.
i woke up in Venice that morning. parked my car overnight. ben and i were about to get some food. i was gonna drive. we walked to my car. shit was all over the ground around my whip. car door ajar. glove compartment open. i popped the trunk.
LAPTOP GONE! wtf! HARD DRIVES GONE! wtf! passport gone! W.T.F!!!! the past five years of my music, my writings, my memories, all stolen from me. everything i've worked on. all gone.
yo i felt so defeated in that moment. couldnt even have imagined a worse time. right when youre about to see the light, the universe was like...gotcha nigga! man i was devastated. i filled out a police report, did the find my iPhone thing, called Pawn shops, but i knew that shit was a wrap. they got a lick off me. i slipped up and somebody got the ultimate lick.
so that whole day was fucked up. but my homie Gary hit me up from Philly with a simple text. it said, "give yourself a day to be pissed and deflated, then kill it tomorrow." and that shit resonated with me on a Super Saiyan level. at that point i was holding on to so much baggage. my past was literally weighing me down. i wasnt being present, i was pissed about how my life was going, i was being a jealous nigga. i was angry. i was out here feeling sorry for myself. and then, a nigga got robbed. all that shit in the past aint shit. it dont mean a motherfuckin thang. MOVE ON, BITCH! all those unfinished songs, all those fading memories, all that shit.
LET IT THE FUCK GO!
so i did. i came to peace with my circumstance. i realized that all i had was the now and the moments moving forward. and that's where Superhuman comes in.
Superhuman was the only song I had left. because we did that on Weber's iMac. so i lost all this old rap shit that i was working on. that i didnt know what to do with. but i had Superhuman. this weird fucking song that makes no sense and all the sense in the world.
and i was with xavi. and he said "use it! use that anger and frustration and let's shoot this fuckin video. i got an idea." and we went to the beach at 445 in the morning, cross faded as fuck, adrenalin on 10000%. and xavi is yelling at me from the other side of the camera. "USE IT" "CHANNEL IT" and i did. i felt it all in that moment.in so many ways, i felt like i was being broken down. but i was really breaking myself down.
you can lose everything in the world. and take a million steps back. but as long as you have life and time, you can do whatever the fuck you want to. and it's that easy. we are resilient. if you think otherwise, you aint built for this shit.
so, when that shit feels like it's weighing you down and you cant keep going. when you start feeling sorry for yourself cause shit aint turn out the way you thought it would. STOP COMPLAINING.
like xavi said, USE IT! turn that pain into real shit. whether it's art or fuckin flexing on everyone who counted you out. GO HARD. superhuman shit.