01:32 am

 

i gotta check my heart and get my mind right. i was in a lot of pain this past year. my friends don’t know. my family dont know. ive had a lot of constants in my life before now. always had a gang. had my girl. felt like the world could be set on fire and we’d be okay cause we had each other. and i always stayed consistent. never switched up. ask anyone that knows me. i pride myself on that shit. i love my parents but they were kids when they had me. they didn’t have the codes. and i’m the oldest in my fam. and we all come from broken homes. our culture is drowning in self hate. my dad never valued himself. still doesn’t. and he’s a beautiful man for real. my mom took so much shit from him and us, her own kids, to try and keep it all together. convinced that a fucked up family that was whole was better than a happy home split apart. we didn’t have the codes. i’ve always wanted to face that truth head on. i wanted to love from the gut. i been on that journey cause my college gf set me straight. there’s a standard of love that involves two people fighting together and for each other. i had to unlearn and erase generations of pain and misinformation. destroy the patriarchy. listen through the silence. cause nobody was giving me this game. all my role models had it all twisted. keeping their shorty at a distance. never knew what kinda love they were missing out on. i see this story play over and over again. all my brothers and sisters going through it. trying to love our fathers even when they do us dirty. sons trying to to love our mothers three times over to fill in the gaps they left. i tell my brother all the time, we don’t gotta be like that. there’s something else. and my brother, he’s got a bigger heart than me. he stands solid, conviction and commitment to really living in love. so we keep that conversation open and keep trying to crack the code for the first time. and do it for our fathers cause they couldn’t. and show our moms we can be the men they fought for us to be. but shit don’t always work out. cause we all conditioned. even my sisters. we all trying to survive and guard the chest. so when i jumped off the edge and finally stepped out to be somebody big, i hoped we had the foundation to get through it together. i wanted to honor that love but also  value my journey. and know i’m only as strong as my intuition. i jumped off the edge. i reset my whole shit. left the routine to get closer to my convictions. to solidify that idea of purpose. and she didn’t jump with me. but that’s her story. i don’t blame her. i did but i don’t now. i can’t. life ain’t about that. but i’m still a sensitive ass artist. and i feel everything. i feel the energy shifting and my gut wants to fix it all. because i love who i love and i know what i know and i know you and i know me. but it’s never that simple when you come from where we come from. broken people break people. and we never got the codes. i’m not a praying man but i try to be an honest one. and i know we all have been carrying the weight since the day we got here. it came before us. i can only speak for myself. ive been hurting my whole life. i see you hurting but that's not my story to tell. we just gotta do better. sometimes i feel like we treat each other so bad where we come from because we have this mentality that we can take anything that comes our way. we fuck each other up. i just know we can unlearn all that shit. we can talk about it. we don’t have to hurt each other. we don’t have to take it all to the chin and hold it in. at the end of the day, we are strong. the strongest people i know look like me. look like you. but treat me like i’m just human. one emo ass human and that’s all i am.

 

love yall

- M

“break me, bend me, watch me folding down/

take me to my knees i hit the ground/

you must think i’m superhuman/

like i’m superhuman/“